Saturday, December 7, 2013

Accepting the entirety, not the pieces

Today I had an odd experience: I was sifting through the blog layouts, trying to find one that I really liked. There was this really cool blue one that I was pretty happy with and felt like described me, but then I figured that, this being a transgender blog, I should pick something more feminine. So I decided on a purple frilly one. Never. Again.

For some reason, after applying that, the thought that I was this frilly flowery purple person was appalling to me. Like the same kinda of appalling that I have when I consider kissing a girl as male or something - it just seemed horribly wrong. Like it was a type of the farthest away from me I would ever want to be, like it was this horrible facade of more, yea that was really it. I was putting on another facade. A frilly, girly-girly person, and that's NOT me. I even started having quivers and such for a little bit, just this huge repulsion to anything like that describing me, the exact same kind of quivers I have when I feel I need to do something very masculine - because that's not me either. Really, as I said before, I identify as this tomboy person as I explained in my story - for example I think Kat Dennings, especially her role in Darcy in Thor, is so much closer to the person I feel like than any stereotypically girly-girl. Like when I left that movie, I was just torn with dysphoria wishing I could be just some small portion of that kind of life (personality and social wise, traveling through the galaxy and saving the earth is a little much for me). But yea, when I meet or see a girl that I identify with more than I identify with myself, it's a really hard thing to handle. And (I hope this isn't weird) Kat Dennings is one of those people.

Kinda. Just I'm a little more awkward and emotional, for better or for worse.

Anyway, my point is that there are certainly kinds of females and kinds of males that I know aren't me. And there are certainly maleish and femaleish parts of me, and if I don't come to accept both sides of them, regardless of where I'm at with transition and otherwise I'm gonna be in a world of hurt and stuff. But there's also so much potential for happiness through self discovery and development here, which is the beauty of it.

Long story short, I need to accept myself. I need to find where on the scale I identify, come to terms with being okay with that, and come to terms with being more comfortable with letting these feelings ebb and flow as they feel is needed. As Leo Tolstoy (insert whatever medium he used to expulge this here cause I'm not sure if wrote or said is fitting):

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."

And I can't do that if I have no idea who I am.

As my bishop said well:

"Who you are now is perfectly okay, and just as important as who you are trying to become."

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