Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Ups and downs

Recently I'd been doing pretty good - the last couple days I've had quite a bit of energy and motivation to work on completing class assignments, and even got up at like 7:15 yesterday morning and was rather functional for most of that day. Then, last night I took my med and went to sleep, about 1:00AM.

Unfortunately, this morning (if you can call it that) I didn't wake up till 4:00 PM. I had some pretty interesting dreams too. Once I finally got up, I didn't feel like talking or doing much of anything besides eating a little, so I had some waffles then a burger with my family, hardly talking at all which is pretty abnormal for me. Then I came back into my room and felt no real motivation for anything, so am laying here now, and will probably fall asleep again fairly soon. Luckily I don't feel much desire to hurt myself or anything which is good, just don't really want to do anything. So yea sadly what I thought was medicine working might have just been one of the highs in the up and down cycle, and now I'm getting probably one of the most extreme lows I've had in a while. Hopefully it doesn't last too long, and who knows, maybe It'll just take more time to kick in.

On a related note I met with my Stake President yesterday. He was pretty cool about it all, and just really wanted to understand, so I told him more of my story - what's been happening recently. I probably should have followed the spirit more in our meeting and will work on doing that better meeting with my bishop later on, because it probably was just a little long in going off on tangents that we discussed that weren't necessarily that pertinent - also because I was just kinda reciting some of the stuff I told him from memory instead of being sincere about it I think since I've told my story so many times, but either way my Bishop and Stake President are awesome. I hope it was helpful too.

Luckily I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist December 27th, but I'd agree with them that I shouldn't try anything too severe (like hormones) until I'm in a stable state mentally, which I'm not right now. Still, it will be nice to start taking steps towards HRT.

As a sidenote, normally I had tons of anger related to the Gender Dysphoria, but I never expressed it externally and just always took it out on myself, which made for many insecurities. Recently I just haven't had any desire to take it out on myself, so instead I've had lots of anger that I kinda want to express externally. I've still never expressed it - I just don't express my anger, I've never seen that as helpful - but I don't know if that shift in how I feel is necessarily a positive or negative thing, it just is. Also I recognize it's never helpful to hold in my emotions, and I try and express them when I can in acceptable ways to friends and such, but anger's just always been a difficult one for me because it's hard to find acceptable ways to express that, and self harm/anger directed towards myself isn't helpful nor healthful.

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