Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Beginning of a New Chapter of Life

So the last week has been a much of a roller coaster in many ways, which I suppose is to be expected.

I don't have anything specific I really wanted to say either, but I thought it would be helpful for me on where I was at. So first of all, anti-androgens and my psyciatric meds (2 non addictive anti-anxiety a day, 2 spiranolactone (anti-androgens) for a total of 100mg a day, and 1 lexipro every morning and 1 mirtzapine every night) really do make a difference. Like it's so much more than a purely placebo effect too. The lexipro in the morning simply makes me rather not talkative/depressed until I take it, and gave me almost no appetite though I'm getting used to/better at that now. The mirtzapine at night makes me really tired - so much so that without it I can't go to sleep at all, and like a few nights ago I stayed up till 5 in the morning programming a really exciting thing we're working on I'll put on my other blog in a bit. Then I took it and within about 30 minutes I was out cold. It's when I get really dedicated to finishing something that I'm glad I'm taking classes later in the day, I am not a morning person. I could be, but it's such a hassle.

Finally, the anti-androgens make a world of difference. First of all, I'm a ton more emotional, but I don't mind that at all. It finally feels like how I'm supposed to feel. I mean I have a much lower sex drive as well, but I don't really mind that as I'm not dating right now, and before I had a male sex drive, which especially the biological stuff at night (guys know what I'm talking about) made for a very real reminder that I'm biologically male - something I normally try and ignore. The brain being the most powerful sexual organ I still have attractions too, don't get me wrong, they're just not as much of a big deal right now, probably like most older adults feel whose hormone levels have gone down. I wouldn't mind female hormones someday too - as those feelings can be a very positive thing in the right time and place, and more specifically hormones could help me so much appearance-wise on pass-ability, but it looks like due to finances and fertility preservation now is not the time. Such is life.

I do need to do so something though, as life would not be feasible continuing to live as male, for many reasons. So I'm starting social transition, beginning a few days ago but specifically tomorrow, the first day of a new semester. I went shopping yesterday with a good (female) friend, and it was a wonderful experience just for the first time in my life buying things I actually wanted to buy. I have this shirt that says "I  Tribbles" that I'll wear someday too, I decided in August it'll be the shirt I wear the day that I finally feel like I passish as female. Maybe that'll be fairly soon as hormones have caused much breast growth and facial changes that passing might be feasible and I already have kinda a high voice, or maybe that'll be a ways off. Time will tell. I think a fellow trans-person gave good advice too, cutting pieces of a conversation together:

"Come out to everyone as female, ask them to start calling you Dani. Inform your school leadership so they can prompt your teachers as needed to call you that too."

Then I explained that I'm worried that I won't pass yet.

"You don't necessarily have to pass in college. Its a lot kinder to the new transitioner than your work environment will be when you start looking for jobs."..."It's an opportunity for you to practice presenting yourself as a female: to practice your walk, talk, etc. No one should be offended... you might get guff from other students who are trans-phobic, but be strong. When others abuse you, be kind to them in return. You'll make more friends than you'll make enemies.  This is your first opportunity to be YOU so take advantage to be the person you want to be, righteous, merciful, loving, meek, kind, caring, empathetic, hard working, and heartfelt/sincere. Also pray on it a lot. Promise to be the best person you can be. To lift your fellow men, to uphold the standards of modesty in the church."

"Finally, I could say a lot more, but just...remember you are being given a gift - the chance to be yourself. Don't take it for granted, love God more for it. Keep close to him."

So allons-y, wish me luck :)


  1. I'm really excited for you, Dani! Good luck with coming out to your school friends/teachers!

    1. Thanks! Lol first I gotta get into my classes, but once things settle down further steps should happen soon :)