Wednesday, March 19, 2014


I tried makeup for the first time today. Another MtF trans person gave me the "color theory" - dark colors make things seem smaller and more indented (bring focus away from them), light colors bring focus to things and thus makes them seem bigger (I think is the idea).

So generally for guys we have more indented eyes than girls, so a lighter eyeliner helps (to bring out the eyes). That's all I did (white eyeliner), and it wasn't that noticeable unless you were paying attention, but I was told "you look, like, just better" so lol I think that's a good thing. I'd totally agree it makes me more passable (though I'm still pretty iffy on that), which is nice.

Also, basically Decker and Tavi are my heros.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Dysphoria Crush

So like, I've stated before that the thought of even like kissing a girl is appalling to me. Well the reality is that even kissing a guy is most appalling to me, if I felt like he perceived me as a male. I wouldn't be comfortable in any relationship where I'm a male, period.

Beyond that, well, I dunno what to think. I mean, I've had a few girls in my past (I can think of three girls in my classes/singles ward in the past, then Kat Dennings and Lauren Mayberry would be more recent peoples where feelings are similar, albeit without the meaningful contact and such) that I've felt like this strong jealousy around. Like it's jealousy to the point that any real contact with them turns into "I hate me. Howabout I stop existing and put the good stuff from me into you. I'd rather be you than me." It's feelings that build to the point I just can't establish any meaningful friendship with them either, because any aspect of me in any relations to them I hate.

So yea, that's what I'd title my "Dysphoria Crush." I don't know whether to call it a real crush or not, since (obviously) I've never felt that with any guys. But there has been guys I feel legitimate sexual feelings towards. I think. Honestly I really don't know what to think about all this, and probably the best stance is to say "I'm still figuring it out."

Basically sexuality is just confusing.

Hormones, Part 4

I guess I should post that I started hormones, it's nice and stuff

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Hormones, Part 3

So, I have an appointment with my Endo next Tuesday, and somehow being on the waiting list with my Psychiatrist (though the earliest appointment I could get was March 27) called me just last Thursday, and I met with him this Friday and he gave me one of his notes explaining his diagnosis of GD and how I was doing :)

My Endo said I couldn't start hormones until I gave him something like that, so now I have that and am SO READY AND EXCITED FOR TUESDAY.

I mean, I've been on AA's since around the middle of August (I think), which is like 7 months, so I'm not sure how that'll effect how well these work, but either way I'm just SO READY to finally begin with them. So here goes hoping that we can start soon. (all my blood tests came back good too, I think)

(If you can't tell I've been slightly obsessing over this. I hope that isn't too unhealthy, I'm just ready to start moving forward again.)