Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Dysphoria Crush

So like, I've stated before that the thought of even like kissing a girl is appalling to me. Well the reality is that even kissing a guy is most appalling to me, if I felt like he perceived me as a male. I wouldn't be comfortable in any relationship where I'm a male, period.

Beyond that, well, I dunno what to think. I mean, I've had a few girls in my past (I can think of three girls in my classes/singles ward in the past, then Kat Dennings and Lauren Mayberry would be more recent peoples where feelings are similar, albeit without the meaningful contact and such) that I've felt like this strong jealousy around. Like it's jealousy to the point that any real contact with them turns into "I hate me. Howabout I stop existing and put the good stuff from me into you. I'd rather be you than me." It's feelings that build to the point I just can't establish any meaningful friendship with them either, because any aspect of me in any relations to them I hate.

So yea, that's what I'd title my "Dysphoria Crush." I don't know whether to call it a real crush or not, since (obviously) I've never felt that with any guys. But there has been guys I feel legitimate sexual feelings towards. I think. Honestly I really don't know what to think about all this, and probably the best stance is to say "I'm still figuring it out."

Basically sexuality is just confusing.

2 comments:

  1. I can so totally relate. I am absolutely not gay in any sense of the word, but I feel like being a wife and mother is very much a part of who I am and who I want to be. I can’t even imagine how wonderful it would be just to snuggle up in the arms of my big, strong husband who holds me and loves me and protects me and wants to be with me forever. Yet at the same time, the thought of being with a man, as a man, totally grosses me out.

    Basically what it comes down to is that dysphoria stinks.

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  2. You can say that again, though to be fair it does make life more meaningful. Feelings are like karma.

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