Thursday, April 10, 2014

Hormones, Part 5

I think I've reached a new understanding today. A friend in the film department was assigned to do a documentary (a 5 minute one), and choose to do it on me, for me. He asked if that was okay, and I said I'd be totally fine with it. I might post it here in a week or two, I was really happy with how the video and interview turned out so far, though lol I have a tendency to get carried away. It was so sad though - we had recorded for about 30 or 40 minutes about various stuff, and then we realized (after doing a double check before-hand) that his recording thingie didn't record any of it. So then we used an audio recorder and a camera as backup, just to be sure. In the end we got what was most meaningful and relevant to me though too, so that's what counts.

Also his words were "If I had any doubt about you being a girl, it's gone now. You think like one. No wonder when you talk you jump around a lot. Guys have their neat little boxes, and they go in their cabinet, and pull out one, go through it, then put it back. Girls don't." Though I told him to be fair that's stereotypical and not always true, I'll still take that as a complement :) And Grimes is very very very good, my new favorite band.

Either way, I was thinking a lot about when I started puberty. Just because when it started, I felt so depressed and different, I almost had a tendency to idealize all my elementary school days - like they were near perfect, and once I polluted my life with understanding I was transgender I was irreversibly broken. I know, really inaccurate, but still it's how I felt for a long time. It's wrong too - I mean, my elementary school time was okay, but I still had some element of depression. Like I was reading a poem I wrote in I think 5th grade, and it said "My soul is filled with impending doom." I nearly failed 6th grade too, for many reasons - and my close friend from 3rd to 5th grade moved away and I haven't seen her since. I had literally forgotten all of this though - until we were looking through a box of things about half a year ago and I started really reflecting on and processing through all that - in a much more positive realistic way.

My point though was I think much of that may have had to do with hormones, which naturally increase in strength when puberty starts. Because I did feel physically different, I couldn't place exactly why, but it's what I blamed on coming to that understanding that I identified as female (which happened at the same time - end of 6th/start of 7th grade/Junior High). After starting female hormones though (and to a lesser extent, after starting anti-androgens), I've started to feel very at peace with myself. Like first I don't really identify as a tomboy. Probably more of a hipster, though to identify as that I have to say I'm definitely not a hipster I think. Honestly I feel like being a tomboy was more a reaction to people trying to say I should accept myself as a feminine guy (no, I'm a female and more of a tomboy and not even that feminine), than really being a fundamental thing - really more just a phase I guess. Like wanting to be scene (I had a scene haircut with one of my wigs for a little bit). But I'm just so happy to finally be having these phases, instead of just being the me I hate and don't really care what I look like every day. So yea, basically hormones have been good :) I haven't really noticed that many other changes (besides more tender breasts as they grow some more - most females probably understand this one), but that's not too unexpected - these things take time.

I think the other reason (the first being because dysphoria really hasn't been nearly as bad recently, whether or not that's just the placebo effect from starting hormones I don't know but it's nice) I haven't shared anything in a while is because sharing about trying makeup was seriously terrifying. But that means it's an important step too, I'll just try and moderate how what I share makes me feel a little more carefully in the future, to help my posts be a little more consistent.

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