Wednesday, April 23, 2014


I've been thinking recently about a bit of a side effect of being trans: As a kid I was really obsessed with anything involving people changing into something else.

For example, one of my favorite books as a kid was Animorphs. Anyone who hasn't read them should read a few (especially the first couple), they're fantastic. And Ax (an alien that works with them), well I'll just say he's on par with and reminded me of Data from Star Trek. Basically the idea behind this series is there's this alien race of slug thingies that go into peoples brains and control them, because they don't have bodies themselves. There's another race of aliens that are fighting them off (blue centaur like things that have no mouth, talk via telepathy, and eat through their feet), but only a few made it to earth for some reason. Their ship crash lands, and these kids find the a crew member crawling out of the ship, barely alive. He explains the slug thingies are coming to earth, and that the kids need to fight them off. He also gives them a blue cube, which, when they each touch it, it allows them to "acquire" the shapes of other animals. Basically they go up and touch that animal, it kinds zones out for a bit, and then they can transform into a copy of it. It gets intense since if they stay as that animal for more than 2 hours, the change is permanent, so they have to be careful.

When I was reading this, I got kinda really excited. I remember just dreaming of stumbling into the same kind of alien ship, hoping that I could find a similar cube. Because for me, that'd allow me to be a girl, and I'd be very happy to wait the 2 hours to make the change permanent. I remember I even found this little green cube thing laying around one day too, and took it home with me and wished it had the same powers. And I read almost every book in the series I could find in the library (about 50), just cause it was the chance to escape, always just wishing and dreaming afterwards that I could have some power like them. Because being a guy sucks.

I remember another book I considered my favorite for a long time: I don't know what it's called and sadly can't find it, but it's plot was essentially that there were (I think) three alien sisters. They were normally just floating blobs that communicated through some kind of telepathy, but their mission of sorts was to go to planets, and learn as much as they could about species that lived there - so they would float (or something like that) down, then transform into the native species and just interact with them. And I wished so much that I could do the same thing, mostly reverse the process and be some kind of floating (female) blob, then possibly go back to being a female human instead. Also because alien races would be fascinating, but that's a side-note.

I also loved playing female characters in any video games I played if given the option, but I've mentioned that in more detail before. "Jillian" was one of the names I was kinda attached to when playing a female character in Pokemon, for example.

Or I remember when I was reading the book Eldest, where it explains the Elf's culture of being able to transform into other things through magic, and I remember wishing for like a month or two (I think this was a little before I sorta recognized I identified as female in end of 6th/start of 7th grade) that I could just be an elf (so I could have that magic transforming myself ability). To the point that I would take little those wooden clothespins and leave them on the tips of my ears as I went to bed (until it really started hurting and I had to take them off), I guess because I figured having pointy ears would be one step closer to that. It was all pretty irrational, but that's what happens when you're really hurting emotionally.

I could give a host of other examples (like loving the movie the host), but that's the point. One of my therapists I worked with for a time was convinced it was a weird obsession, and though that's probably accurate to some extent, it was for a legitimate reason. Again I don't know if I can more fully explain it, other than saying that I identify as a girl. You know the whole "Who would you like to see yourself as is 10 years?" The answer to that question was obvious to me, but since I was scared of that I buried myself away from it.

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