Wednesday, January 14, 2015

How I'm doing

I'm writing this post in the midst of a panic attack so it might be a little biased.

Basically I have depression. However when we tried to treat said depression it gave me bipolar. Then when we got my hormones to a normal level it also gave me bipolar so that's why I was in the hospital a bit ago, cause the very thing that was supposed to help at least some of my distress made things worse and I couldn't handle that. However they started me on some meds there, and they've kinda sorta helped.

The induce some kind of rapid-cycling bipolar, which means that in the mornings/afternoon I'm hyper motivated and doing very very good (I mean I managed to get a consistent part time job and am back in school right now and think I will be able to do well), however at night things get really bad - I have panic attacks, am filled with this massive desire to harm myself, and feel very very depressed. Also, a lesser thing is that the mood stabilizer that keeps these ups and downs from being too extreme knocks me out for 12 hours, but that's just more of an inconvenience than anything else, and is manageable as long as I plan my schedule accordingly.

So I've had dark times where I've been in a worse state then what sent me to the hospital, but I've gotten better at managing that now. I also found that if I take my anti-depressant at 3 or 4 in the afternoon instead of in the morning those times at night aren't as bad. Sometimes. So yea it's a sorta hacky solution that mostly works, but at times really still sucks. Maybe we'll get it figured out with changing the dosages a little but I don't know. We've been trying meds for like a year and a half now and this has worked the best of anything so far so I might just stick with it.

So that's basically my life.

On a brighter note, I finally came out to everyone on Facebook. Here is the post I made, copied here for those that aren't Facebook friends with my pre-transition profile:

So I came out to lots of people so far (on Facebook or in person) but now that I'm finally out to everyone I thought seemed good to come out to in person, I felt I should probably come out to all my Facebook peeps next cause it seems honest. I would have liked to come out to more people in person, but it's just not practical with most people that I consider friends but don't hang out with much anymore, and kinda hard to explain it well when I just casually run into them, so this seemed like a good compromise.

Basically I'm transgender, which means I was born a guy but identify as a girl. Umm the best way to explain this is probably via Eri's story or Grayson's story, or even Nick Gregory's story in the Voices of Hope if you want though my situation is a little different than his I think it still might be helpful to give a little different perspective since he's not transitioning himself but still experiences Gender Dysphoria aka is Transgender. Also cause like Grayson I've met him in person and he's really awesome.

I'm transitioning to female as of the end of 2013, being on hormones and going through female puberty (yay...) and stuff, but it's just a long process. I'm also still attracted to girls (and kinda guys but not that much) and still believe the church is true so that all complicates stuff but in talking with my Bishop over the last two years or so it seems like it'll all work out so we'll see. I'm also kinda genderqueer (not really very male or female, and more in-between, but learning more towards female) so that complicates things as well, but I think I'm finally at a place where I'm pretty cool with who I am which is what counts.

I also really struggle with mental health cause living as a guy but identifying as a girl for most your life is kinda a traumatic experience, so for a while it was depression and more recently bipolar, which because of these (and being trans in general) I was in the hospital towards the end of 2013 and again at the end 2014 after being really suicidal. So that all sucks but it looks like we've finally got it pretty figured out with meds so I'm doing a lot better, and start working part-time today at Caption Call and might be starting back up in my 3rd year of college at the U as well. Or if it's overwhelming doing both I can just work and then start in the fall since most important is for me to kinda stay healthy. Luckily my scholarship people are understanding so that's nice.

You can friend me on Facebook as Dani Phye you want (a pseudoname till I was out to everyone), but I'll probably be merging that profile and this one eventually. *shrug.* I don't actually know yet lol. I'm basically just taking things as they come, and figuring this out as I go, which is fun and stuff but also really scary but such is life.

So there's a my brief story, you can read more about it at if you want or you can not I really don't care either way just figured I'd let y'all know.

Also it's fun to share this here because it gets really meta since I'm saying you can read more about it at if you want which tells you that you can read more about it at if you want which tells you that you can read more about it at which etc. Yay recursion

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