Tuesday, February 17, 2015

This blog

This blog used to be a good place for me to write to sort out things I was feeling. It was also a good journal, to document my transition, and also allowed people to keep up on where I was at.

I'm at the point now though that writing here isn't helpful for me anymore though. Mostly cause, I feel like I'm at a point where I don't really want to share what I'm feeling to the world anymore. Most of my life is composed of time spent with friends or school, and neither of those two I feel I really need to share here. There's probably things I could still explain, but I am mostly just ready to move on. I'm still transitioning, but it's more passive now - basically I'm just a girl that's learning how to look better. So writing about that works, and I could make one of those college girl blogs, but this isn't the place to do it, because it's primarily about my transition. And I mean I suppose I have started a nerdy version of such a blog at Computational Bubblegum, but I don't expect anyone to read that, I mean it's more just documentation for me of nerdy things I've done.

And right now I'm doing really bad around things related to transition. I was having breakdowns and such and almost had to drop out of school and just wanted to die so I tried to die. But turns out that was mostly a med issue, and then we changed meds and I am doing sorta better. At least I can do things - I'm still depressed so I don't really want to talk to people very much, but at least I can work on school things and such. So hopefully we'll get that figured out more in the future, but we'll see. But point is I've learned that I really need to avoid triggers, because they make me less stable. Avoid people that insist on calling me a guy, not do things that require me to present as male, and generally not be involved in circles that remind me of the fact that I'm transgender. So that's what I'm doing.

I wish there was a better option, because being transgender is a big part of me, and ideally I would like to help other people that are struggling with similar things, because I have empathy and experience around this situation that could help them. But that becomes too much of a trigger that it's not a sacrifice I can make right now, sadly. So then the idea is that I need to make triggers empowering instead of harmful, because they are affirming who I am and who I am is okay. But I don't know how to do that, so I'm taking the different approach of simply avoiding most trans things, and focusing on the things I can do in life. School, work, spending time with/personal projects with friends, dating, etc. While still just being female and going through life as that, and working on better presentation, self care, and just being a better person.

But the thing is like I was saying, a part of that is that I'm not gonna write in this blog. Because it's now a thing that reminds me that I'm transgender, and thus makes me more unstable.

So until I find a better option, goodbye awesome readers. It really means a lot that people are willing to read this, so thanks.

2 comments:

  1. You do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If and when you feel the need to post here, we, your readers, will be here.

    And on a more personal note, Dani, if you ever need someone to talk with / vent to, my G+ hangout is always open, and I'll try to listen more than I speak.

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